mistressmaryd:

seifukucat:

[walks into pet store puppy area wearing a huge coat]

[shuffles quickly out of pet store in a much tighter fitting coat]

image

(via oh-cools)

howunpleasant:

friday at school i heard some girl in the hall way scream “FOR THE LAST TIME BITCH IM LESBIAN IM NOT TRYING TO STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND HE SMELLS LIKE KETCHUP ANYWAYS”

(Source: grossmidousuji, via crystallized-teardrops)

folk-punk:

dentist: *shoots you* you’re bleeding b/c you dont floss

(via thewinchesterswagger)

ouyangdan:

leggywillow:

truezodiacfact:

Moth pit

My reaction to this gif went from stone-faced “this is dumb” to full-on snickering gleefully in about fifteen seconds.

you can’t just drop shit like this on my dash i hurt myself laughing

(via oh-cools)

treasure:

how to take a test: cry on the paper and the choice closest to your tear is the answer

(via wearethekidswho)

disheartens:

don’t you just hate it when you want to get to know someone but you have no idea what to talk about

(Source: metallics, via crystallized-teardrops)

lamelohan:

my only talent is not being in a relationship

(via alexernst)

hhantu:

franfrancatman:

My dad and I made this fishtank for my mum for Christmas a few years ago with dollhouse furniture. I thought it was pretty rad

i cant believe your mom is a fish

(via scottsonnier)

kurgs:

skeletongrazed:

skeletongrazed:

what’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants ?

one’s a crusty bus station and one’s a busty crustacean

#i’ve told this joke a million times and it NEVER fails

(via phonecallsfromtrenzalore)

  • student: can i borrow a pencil
  • teacher: i don't know, CAN you?
  • student: yes, also colloquial irregularities occur frequently in any language and since you and the rest of our present company understood my intended meaning, being particular about the distinctions between "can" and "may" is purely pedantic and arguably pretentious

and-the-two-idiots:

stripedpants:

My brother’s friend was starting to apply for colleges. And one of the colleges he applied to required a 3 page essay explaining what daring meant to them.

So being the clever person he was

On the each page he wrote 1 word with huge font,

THIS

IS

DARING

And he later got accepted. 

this is my favorite story on tumblr

(via actualrandomness)

sp00kyqueer:

sp00kyqueer:

Something I realised, after having to help many international tourists count out their change, is that American coins don’t actually have the number value on them??? Like no wonder all these poor tourists are so confused

like

image

it just fucking says one “dime”

what the fuck is a dime

how much is it worth

whose idea was this

(via punkmonksteven)

billy-forsetti:

why is it that when dylan sprouse and calum hood had nudes leaked everyone praised how well they handled it and attacked those who leaked them, but when over 50 female celebrities have nudes leaked, the hacker responsible is called a ‘hero’ and the victims are called ‘sluts’ and ‘whores’

oh wait

i know why

(via trenchtastic)

stevenfresco:

i only go on the internet like once a day for approx 24 hours

(Source: selmezs, via actualrandomness)